Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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