So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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