Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
