hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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