uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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