I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
