Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
