Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Send help, water and tortillas.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
