I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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