I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
