I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
only if we run a train.
done.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
