Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
