Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
