Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
