You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
