The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize