you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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