That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
