Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
