dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
