Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
