My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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