And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
