i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
