you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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