dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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