i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
