I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize