There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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