actually, I'm a sock model
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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