Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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