In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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