he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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