is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
