im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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