why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
