I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
