she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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