I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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