So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
