My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
