do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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