Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
