Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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