If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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