I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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