He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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