You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I didn't notice because vodka
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
