just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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