if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
