your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
